Long ago, the Duke of Milan commissioned a little-known artist...
to erect a mammoth statue of a horse.
The time was 1481.
The artist was Leonardo da Vinci.
The guy on the donkey is just a guy on a donkey.
Anyway, they called this statue the "Sforza"...
and it was going to be the largest bronze statue ever built.
But wouldn't you know it?
War broke out, and bronze became scarce...
so da Vinci decided to create a machine...
to change common lead into bronze.
But when da Vinci finally turned this machine on...
it was to give him something more than he expected.
Something much more than bronze.
Leonardo!
- Gold? - Gold.
Exactly 500 years later...
an artiste of a different field...
the one of cat burglary...
was getting out of Sing Sing.
He was known as the Hudson Hawk.
Got a coat, hat.
Here's your personal items.
Here's your wallet.
You'll find everything in there. Want your receipt?
Keep it. Ready?
I got it, Charlie.
Eddie! Eddie!
So the Hudson Hawk is getting out!
Remember all the reporters here when you came in?
"World's Greatest Cat Burglar. " Now who gives a fuck?
- Got a proposition. - Answer's no, Gates, even if you bathe.
As your parole officer, I found you a job.
- No way. - It's a terrific job.
An auction house. One night's work, and you're free.
No checking in with a shrink, no community service.
But I want to do community service, to teach a handicapped to yodel.
I ain't stealing no more, Gates.
Ten years later, you're still impressed with yourself.
Same old coat, same old hat. You're extinct, Hawk.
From you that's a powerful statement.
Aren't you supposed to stop me committing crimes?
"Book 'em, Danno," "Give a hoot, don't pollute"?
You ain't out yet.
I can set you up and send you back anytime I want.
It's a very fine line between ex- con and escaped con.
Gates, do it yourself.
Hey, he's got my key! I'll be seeing you, Hawk.
Open the gate.
- See you around, Mike. - Take it easy, Eddie.
That's the first thing I did, smooch the ground and taste the freedom.
Sorry I'm late. I miss anything?
As always, your timing is impeccable.
- Where's the kiss? - Get away from me.
No tongue. I promise.
- Whoa! - What?
- You've been expanding your... - Don't say it!
I'm sensitive about my figure.
My next word was gonna be consciousness...
Tubbo.
You're free, you son of a bitch!
What do you want to do? Statue of Liberty? Entertain some ladies?
Broadway tix? Seduce women?
Play Nintendo? Bone some chicks?
What's Nintendo?
Get me to the Five Tone. I'll strangle somebody if I don't get a cappuccino.
You still got a thing for those unmasculine European coffees?
- What can I say? - Who's your buddy?
The man knows! The man knows!
Mr. Coffee, have any trouble checking out?
Not much. Gates tried to blackmail me into doing a job.
That doughnut-hole-e<ating son of a bitch!
Take-it-in-the-ear-for-a-beer rat bastard!
Had the perfect amount of foam.
I'll get you ten of them at the bar.
Gates wants you to rob an auction house?
- Yes. Are you going deaf? - He's your parole officer.
- Look, I am not going deaf. - Just get me in the Five Tone.
All right. I am not deaf. Don't make fun of my hearing.
Tell you something about the bar. You're going to love it.
Five Tone Bar and Grill.
At least there's one thing that will never cha...
I don't know how to tell you this. Couple of brokers stopped in.
Now we're a nice, local bar that none of the locals can afford.
I read about these people in Newsweek.
- Where's the regulars? Crazy Jack Cava? - Gone.
- Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph? - Gone.
Tommy, you took down Captain Bob's steering wheel?
They're all gone.
But look at the bright side. Half this joint is yours.
Blackjack, give my irritable partner a cappuccino.
I gotta go be a boss.
Reindeer goat cheese pizza?
Thank you, Jesus.
Cute shot.
Cesar Mario. Antony Mario. I didn't know the circus was in town.
So, why won't you do the auction house?
Well, call me superstitious, Cesar.
I don't like to commit a crime the day I get out of the joint.
It's very simple.
There's a safe on the seventh floor. You put their thing in this thing.
Directions even your brother could understand.
Yeah, directions even I could understand.
Shut up.
You're the best.
You're the only one who can do this. You know that.
Don't tell me you want to open a store, go straight and sell spatulas.
If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family...
I'd say "Kiss my ass. "
But considering your status, I will say "Slurp my butt. "
- Sit. - Sit.
Have you lovely ladies tried our house wine? I think you'll enjoy.
Beat it, Tommy. No dinosaurs allowed.
Enough!
You don't do that auction house job, I'll put you on trial.
And I promise you, my friend, there will be no bail. Understand?
Get him outta here.
"Witchcraft"?
Three minutes, 57 seconds.
- "Night and Day"? - Frank Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?
- Sinatra! - Five minutes, 12 seconds.
"Hit the Road, Jack"?
- Where are my needle-nose pliers? - Check the bar.
- "Hit the Road, Jack"? - Five minutes, 15 seconds.
How could you take this down? Captain Bob's steering wheel.
Remember that night he came in? Nobody could figure where he got this.
- Yes? - Quiet.
Come here.
We got a nasty safe on the seventh floor.
- Simpson? - Yeah.
- What's the mechanism? - Seventy-one.
Last time Simpson only made a 40.
It's gonna take you another 31 seconds.
- I'm not worried about the safe. - I know.
We know any of the guards? Not one?
- Not one. - What about video surveillance?
- I have a plan. - You got a plan.
I have a great plan. Great!
What the hell am I doing?
Huh? I'm getting ready to do some crime, rob some farchadat horse with you?
I should be looking in the want ads for a job selling spatulas.
We're moving too fast. I'm putting out a fire with kerosene.
- What is that? - That's five seconds. My record's 18.
Is this funny? You think this is some kind of fucking joke?
- How many seconds? - How many what seconds?
On the thumbcuffs.
Not counting the bitching and whining, I'll be nice and say eight.
They're not going to let you walk away from this job.
I ain't never gonna get rehabilitated this way.
- You still got it? - Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of.
- "Mack the Knife"? - Four minutes, 17 seconds.
"I Only Have Eyes for You"?
I didn't know you cared. Three minutes, 22 seconds.
- "Xanadu"? - "Xanadu"?
Four minutes, 19 seconds.
"Star-Spangled Banner"? Whitney Houston, Super Bowl 17.
Hi. How you doing?
- Seven minutes, 17 seconds. - You're full of shit!
Let me ask you something. How come I'm not out trying to get laid tonight?
You're bumming my high. It's show time!
Tommy, hold on. Hold on a minute.
The sign says "No horseplay in the pool area. "
This isn't horseplay. This is a major felony.
Come on, Grandpa.
Tommy, can you give me one good reason why we're up here?
I'll give you two. Antony and Cesar Mario.
- You don't really think they'd... - Cut off our balls if we don't do this.
I see.
- You have dinner tonight? - Why?
'Cause this rope only holds 900 pounds!
Stop fooling around!
- I'm not fooling around! - You are!
Pick me up, pick me up.
All right!
I wish you'd lay off the pasta.
Whoa! What are you doing? What are you doing?
Covering our tracks. We leave through the basement.
Now we have no choice, do we?
What?
Better make the hole bigger.
Don't worry, bonehead. I'm wearing my girdle.
Six hundred seventy-three Wongs in the phone book.
Hell of a lot of Wong numbers.
Look up Chin.
- That's it. - You got a key?
Just checking.
They record everything the video surveillance takes in.
Yes, I can see that, master thief. You said something about a plan.
Am I boring you, smart-ass?
Jerry, check out Big Stan.
Watch this.
Big Stan!
Watch. A little rewind and replay and the guards will be watching a rerun.
They're going to miss out on tonight's exciting episode.
You figure this out all by yourself? Good plan, Junior.
We got about five minutes and change.
5:32. "Swinging on a Star. "
They invented something while you were inside. It's called a watch.
- Tommy. - What?
One. Two.
One. Two. Three.
Would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a mule
A mule is an animal with long, funny ears
He kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny and his brain is weak
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
And by the way if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule
Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
They're back on.
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a fish
A fish is an animal that swims in a brook
He can't write his name or read a book
To fool the people is his only thought
And though he's slippery he still gets caught
If that sort of life is what you wish
You may grow up to be a fish
Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a pig
A pig is an animal with dirt on its face
His shoes are a terrible disgrace
He's got no manners when he eats his food
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don't care a feather or a fig
You may grow up to be a pig
And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
Every day you see quite a few
So you see it's all up to you
You could be better than you are
- You could be swinging on a star - Got the horse?
- Just out of jail and I'm robbing. - Let's go.
Dean, I don't get it.
I see the blue chair in the auction room.
I didn't want to do it. All I wanted was a cappuccino.
Snap out of it!
You think that's strange, check out screen two.
That's us!
Somebody rewired the recorders!
- I hold you responsible. - Let's take it home!
You could be swinging on a star
- Let's go out the back way. - Keep those ideas coming.
Get up. You're embarrassing me.
- Would you get going? - Come on, go!
- Go, go! - Easy with that!
Come on!
I'm happy we covered our tracks!
Can I ask a question? I'm not as fat as that guard, am I?
No, you're a slender reed compared to that guard.
Come on, Slim Jim.
Hudson Hawk gets the chair of honor.
Good job. Not pretty, but good.
All this trouble for a horsey.
I may not know art, but I know what I like.
You do.
When's this Buckingham Palace-looking butlerhead-motherfucker getting here?
Any minute now, Mr. Gates.
Oh, sorry, Jeeves.
May I?
Exquisite.
Leonardo da Vinci's last commission for the Duke of Milan.
Irreplaceable.
Mr. French, I'm...
What?
You son of a bitch!
I stuck my neck out setting this up for you limey bastards!
Where's my cut?
So much for his cut.
Forgive my dry British humor.
I think Gates promised Hawk a cut, too.
Lovely work, Alfred. Taking the Concorde back?
Always, Mr. Mario.
I'm racking up those frequent flyer points.
Ta-ta, Hudson Hawk.
Yo, Five Tone.
Did I miss anything?
Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask, "Did I miss anything?"
Gates gets killed, you say, "Did I miss anything?"
I bet you went to Mrs. Lincoln at the theater and said...
"How was the show? Did I miss anything?"
Might get this looked at.
Gates was killed? Who do we send the thank-you note?
The butler did it. The guy was a cross between Alistair Cooke and a Cuisinart.
Took Mr. Ed, humpty-dumptied it over Gate's head...
and said it was made by Leonardo...
Da Vinci's "Sforza. "
I consider it the prize of tonight's auction of objets d'equestrian.
Horse things.
All right, Mr. PBS, you got me.
Morning edition. It says here...
two thieves attempted to steal it.
But thanks to three brave guards, it will be ready for tonight.
Attempted? I didn't want to steal it in the first place, but I have my pride.
- I don't understand this. - Why try? Forget about it.
I'm tired of not understanding things. Cops! Mafia!
Butlers forcing me to steal something it appears I didn't steal.
It's too goddamn peculiar.
Let me ask you. How much does a new tuxedo cost?
A fantastic example of Florentine bronze.
Now who will start at 140,000?
140,000.
160,000.
70. 80. 90,000.
200.
20.
40.
You could be swinging on a star
250,000!
Sold!
After all these years, I still get goose bumps coming to auctions.
The paintings, the sculptures.
Things that aren't really paintings or sculptures.
Vultures never look up from their calculators to see what they're buying.
That gives me goose bumps.
- Auctions are disgusting. - I couldn't agree more.
Savages.
Now lot 15.
An equestrian piece attributed to the Cellini school.
Who will start 250,000?
Sold!
And finally lot number 17...
thought to be lost in the war...
and again last night.
The da Vinci "Sforza," the jewel of the sale.
Fantastic!
Is looking like a constipated warthog a job prerequisite in the art world?
We have Doctoressa Anna Baragli of the Vatican here to verify it. Doc?
Some of us warthogs are more constipated than others.
Perfection.
The Vatican extends its jealously to the lucky bidder.
Thank you.
We'll begin the bidding...
at $20 million.
Waldo!
100 million clams!
That's $100 million...
to Mr. Darwin Mayflower.
One hundred million and one...
Waldo!
Fantastic!
$100 million and one.
Outbid by mine own wench. Quelle bummere.
Don't hate me, baby.
Bunny.
Any other bids?
Going once.
Going twice.
Gone!
My God, that was bold of you. You didn't have to do that.
It's nothing. Anybody would've done the same.
I mean, you didn't have to tackle me.
I'm just kidding. Thanks for saving me. Why was that guard chasing you?
Because danger is my middle...
You couldn't just play along, could you?
Classy way of covering our tracks, eh?
That auctioneer ought to be landing at LaGuardia any minute now.
Hey, subtlety's not one of our strong points.
Menthol.
This is a brand-new tuxedo!
Mister, are you going to die?
Happy sailing!
How am I driving? 1-800, I'm going to fucking die!
Toll booth?
Exact change?
- Make a road kill! - Fuck you, Cesar!
Run him down!
Cesar! Antony!
Are you okay?
What's the matter with you?
Name's Snickers. Plane leaves in 40.
Almond Joy. Get it? Candy bars.
It's better than when we first started.
Our code names were diseases. Know what it's like being called chlamydia?
Forgot.
- My names Butterfinger. - No shit.
Like the Company's new look?
I call them the MTVIA.
George, you promised. No old C.I.A., new C.I.A. Jokes.
Punks.
They think the Bay of Pigs is an herbal tea...
and the cold war has something to do with penguins.
Don't I know you?
The last time you saw me I was bald, with a beard and no moustache...
and I had a different nose.
So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended.
My high school science teacher?
I tricked you into robbing the government installation...
then had you sent to prison for it.
George Kaplan.
I don't hold grudges.
Aah! I used you as a diversion.
I guess down deep I was jealous.
You were one hell of a thiet.
To what do I owe this honor of this reunion?
I want to make it up to you. That's why I got you this gig.
To quote the late Karen Carpenter, "We have only just begun. "
Three minutes, four seconds.
But you're a little late.
Maybe nobody told you. I quit stealing.
- My employer wants a meeting. - Your employer?
- The president? - No. Somebody powerful.
Good god, what's that?
You don't expect me to fall for that old gag.
Shucks. I guess not.
- Now? - Yes, now.
No way.
Welcome to Rome, sir.
So, Hawk. The Hawkster. What do you think of the vehicle?
Why did you duck at the auction?
What can I tell you? I'm the villain.
Initially, it was a priority to keep buffers between you and me.
Since most are dead now, I thought, "What the heck?"
Hawky, you come highly recommended.
I hired Kaplan and the Marios to find me a cat burglar.
Hey, I want to be in business with you.
I've got the power
Ladies and gentlemen of the board and Minerva.
Let's give it up for Hudson Hawk.
Hello.
Bunny, ball-ball.
Hawkmeister.
We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lire per diem.
That's $200 a day so he can get a hooker and tequila? Veto, Darwin.
We see who wears the penis in this family.
For God's sakes, somebody chain this convict.
Listen, this might be hard to believe, but I'm just a regular Joe.
I just want to be happy.
And happiness comes from the achieving of goals.
It's just that when you've made your first billion by the age of 19...
it's hard to come up with new ones.
But now, finally, I got myself a new goal.
World domination!
Shut up!
Bunny, quit that.
Ball-ball.
- Bunny's got today's ball-balls. - Bad Bunny.
Bunny, you weren't that bad!
Just two more minutes. I was so close.
Seriously, Concorde me home, jail me. I don't care.
You go back to jail, and you won't be alone.
You'll have a guinea barkeep cell mate to keep you company.
You're young enough to enjoy shanking child molesters for a pack of smokes.
But Tommy Five- Tone...
will go in knowing the next time he gets out...
will be to attend his own funeral.
Depressing?
Wouldn't waste a dime for th<e call. You don't have proof.
The magic word.
It's veja du. Something you wish never did happen.
Kaplan and his C.I.A. candy bars shot the operation with hidden cameras.
They put the fake horse in the safe while you ran from the guards.
- Damn Fotomat assholes! - Good shot of you, Minerva.
My man, you're going to hit a church.
We want you to steal da Vinci's sketchbook. The codex.
Vatican?
I'm robbing the Vatican.
The nuns at St. Agnes...
predicted this.
What do they call you? Igg and Ook?
I'm being blackmailed into robbing the Vatican by psychotics and the C.I.A.
I don't...
That's okay. Just keep an eye on the art.
Stop it! You're embarrassing your country.
Though Leonardo is best known as a painter...
it was his gift as an inventor who drew together science...
and art...
that is most incredible.
Tough guy, what are you doing here?
Every time I get around you, my heart beats really fast.
As you know, the da Vinci codex...
has lived in the Vatican for centuries, and will stay for centuries more.
That's what you think.
- Question? - What time are you done?
His untiring pen predicted the airplane...
the submarine...
the bicycle, the helicopter and even the tank.
These designs inspired him to develop a code...
- Something wrong? - Come quickly.
Pokey!
- That smoke bad for you? - This way.
- Where are we going? - Through here.
Are you going to tell me why you did that or blame it on Dumbo?
You mean Pokey?
Can you believe that kooky elephant?
What is this?
It's a postal subway.
Can I get to Times Square from here?
The pope takes his mail seriously.
Christmas cards, Easter seals. Delivers up to 10:00 at night.
I see.
Actually, I don't see. I'm confused.
How do you know this stuff? What do you do?
I do a lot of things, but I don't steal stuffed elephants from little girls.
My life's pretty boring.
Yeah, mine, too.
Want to have dinner?
Nice, boring dinner?
Scrabble, knock-knock jokes, anecdotes about dead Italians?
I'll bring my entire repertoire.
And I'll bring my entire entourage.
There's a place around the corner. Enzo's. Say 10:30?
Hey, thanks.
Father, it's obvious he's up to something.
- Report upstairs at once. - Yes, sir!
Did he mention the Mayflowers?
No, but he's going to steal the codex. I can feel it.
- I'm not sure when. - Attempt to steal!
The vanity of this Hudson Hawk.
The Vatican has foiled the advances of pirates and terrorists.
We will not lie down for some schmuck from New Jersey.
And must you flirt with him so effectively?
That's the only way.
As an agent of our organization, you're put in awkward situations.
Just remember, Hudson Hawk is an evil, evil man.
Operator, I'd like to make a collect call overseas to a New York number.
What?
No, don't put me...
Thank you for calling AT& T. What number please?
Thank God. 212-555-1989.
Pick up the phone, you reindeer goat cheese-eating bastard.
Pick it up.
Pick it up, Tommy.
The black thing on the desk.
Come on, Tommy.
Want more, Jumbo?
Kick your big, flabby ass.
- Enjoying Italy? - Yeah.
Yes.
I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Roma.
I did my first barehanded strangulation here.
Communist politician.
George, you big softie.
I miss Communism!
The Red threat.
People were scared.
The Agency had respect, and I got laid every night.
Brief him, Snickers.
Good news. The Mayflowers have moved up the timetable.
You're hitting the Vatican tonight.
The timing is not right.
I'm under- equipped and I've got a date.
Grapple, bikers bottle...
Pocket Fisherman, olive oil...
100 stamps?
This is going to be some date. No Harvey's Bristol Cream?
Make that list happen.
It's one thing to play hide-and-seek with the Mayflowers' pathetic staff...
but we're sore losers.
We blow up space shuttles for breakfast.
You and Tommy would be nothing more than a late afternoon Triscuit.
Hey, old man! Yeah, you!
You come back here without your Cub Scout army...
and I'll kick your centrally intelligent ass all over the piazza.
"Beware the blue wire"?
I got your stamps.
Good, Yogi.